A Small Fish in an Ocean of Blogs

It's silly I know, but my little blog really means a lot to me. What started out as a hobby and fun way to keep friends and family updated on my life, has become an accomplishment of sorts that I am actually proud of.

I started blogging just over a year ago. My very first post was called "The world is your oyster", a brutally honest raw exposure of myself. I didn't have a name or an identity to my blog then, and truthfully I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew I wanted to write.

A large part of my inspiration for going back to college was this blog. I knew I had ideas and stories I wanted to share, but I also knew from a technical standpoint my writing left a lot to be desired. So last summer, I walked into the Salt Lake Community College, 2 weeks before classes were scheduled to start, and enrolled. Again, I had no idea what I was doing. No game plan. I just knew it was where I needed to be.

Sitting here reflecting, feet propped up on a chair - laptop warm in my lap, it's fun to think of some of the highlights my silly little blog has brought me.

- I remember the first time I got a comment from a blogger I, for lack of a better work, idolized. People like Caveat Emptor, Black Hockey Jesus and the amazing Jenny the Bloggess. It may seem silly, but it totally made my day to think that something, however small and trivial, in my blog sparked their interest enough to visit AND leave a comment.

- I remember coming up with the name for my blog and asking my friend and blogging mentor Sarah what she thought of it. "Honestly I think it's fucking brilliant and wish I would have come up with it." A better compliment has never existed. She helped me register the domain name and set things up.

- I remember getting approved to have ads on my blog through the BlogHer network. It only took 6 months of having them, but I got my first check too. I celebrated by going to coffee with Sarah just this last weekend.

- As it turns out the whole being a student and a blogger really worked out in my favor recently too. I am headed to the BlogHer convention in Chicago in a little over 3 weeks. Truthfully there is no way I could have afforded it without the discounted student rate and I am so happy they offer one. I'll try not to cuss when I pay next months tuition now.

- Last but certainly not least (cliche much?), the highlight of my evening. Getting mentioned on the "Here is the good news happening around our GiST network" email for finally getting the balls to get the tattoo I have been talking about for over 2 years. Seriously, how cool is that?

I know I am rambling on a bit and a lot of these things may not seem like a big deal, but I am a firm believer it's the little things in life that count and you should celebrate ALL victories.

Thanks lovely Internet for giving me more reasons to celebrate! Oh, and the local wine store says thanks too.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Fat Kids Love Cake

ED and I went on our first ever double date. It was us and ED’s best friend and his wife. We went to dinner and after we went to Poplar Street to watch a blues band play called Blues 66. They were absolutely amazing. We ended the night around 10:30 because the other couple has children and babysitters to attend to. 

I know you are thinking, whoopd’y shit. What’s the big deal? Sounds very normal and boring. Well, that is where you are wrong. You see, ED and I only get to see each other twice a week and we tend to be a little selfish with our time. We have to get enough of each other on a Saturday night to last us until the following weekend and that is hard to do when you are with other people. 

When we first started dating, an additional reason for our selfish exclusivity was that we wanted to be sure about the relationship before parading each other around our respective friends. Because honestly, there is nothing worse than bringing a new guy around, letting your friends get to know him only to tell them 2 weeks later that they won’t be seeing him again. Ever. It’s way too much work, plus it’s embarrassing. 

So here we are, 5 months into round 2 of dating and we are doing “coupley” stuff with other couples with no anxiety or second-guessing. It’s really…cool. Finding myself in a happy, healthy relationship with potential for a future is somewhat uncharted territory for me. I haven’t been this comfortable or happy in a long time. 

Sometimes I wonder when the rug is going to get pulled out from under me and when he will turn into a controlling ass hole. I’ll eye him suspiciously expecting the transformation to take place right before my very eyes! But, instead he just smiles at me and says, “Aw honey, I love you. Like a fat kid loves cake.” 

Then I melt. All worry and suspicion floats away and I continue to let myself just be happy because fat kids really do love cake and I really do deserve to be happy.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Coming Back to Me

Lately I've been distant. It's not just from you, it's been from everyone. I suppose I just let all of life's stresses catch up to me. I was getting pulled in a million different directions and something had to give.

My sanity.

Talking to ED last night he tells me, "Sweetheart, I just feel like all of your emotions are very raw right now." He is trying so hard to be patient and understanding with me when he is probably wondering how in the world his girlfriend went from happy and fun to an emotional wreck. But still, he claims to love me and I choose to believe him.

Today I am happy to report that while I am not better, I have decided to make the conscience decision to be happy, healthy, positive and productive. I'm taking The Secrets approach which is a kind of a "fake it til you make it" approach. I'm going to keep telling myself that I am happy, healthy, positive and productive until it is the truth. Over and over, that is what I am telling myself. So if you walk up to me and I scream "I AM HAPPY, HEALTHY, POSITIVE AND PRODUCTIVE!" Please do not be alarmed, I'm just in the middle of healing myself.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

I'm positively positive

Last weekend I got depressed. Normally I am a happy-go-lucky type of person who is generally an optimist... but I wasn't happy, I wasn't go-lucky (whatever that means) and I sure as shit wasn't an optimist. I wasn't myself at all.

I'm not sure why it happens, but every once in a while I let the weight of the world that has been piling on my shoulders come crashing down around me. I over-extend myself and instead of turning into the superwoman I think I should be, the one who can juggle everything, I shut down and do nothing. Then because I am a bit of a control freak and feel like I am not controlling my actions how I would like, I get depressed and do nothing but sleep. Yeah. That is the best psychoanalysis I can come up with for what happened.

Luckily I was in enough of a frame of mind to recognize that I needed to do SOMETHING to pull myself out of it before beginning my work week or I would never survive. Sunday night I swung by Karina the Russians place to borrow her DVD of The Secret. I came home and watched it while attempting to do homework and you know what? The stupid show actually really helped me out! I started telling myself little positive reinforcements and visualizing things happening the way I wanted!

Monday I was stressed because due to my comatose weekend of imitating a zombie, I hadn't finished my research paper or my math homework that was due the following day. I don't normally get out of class on Mondays until 8:30pm but I just kept telling myself all day "there is plenty of time. Don't stress, there is always plenty of time." So then Monday night my teacher lets us out of class 1 1/2hrs early so THERE ACTUALLY WAS PLENTY OF TIME! I couldn't believe it! I actually willed there to be enough time. Yeah, I was feeling pretty damn powerful right about then. I started trying to decide what to use my new found powers on next. Maybe for there to be food in my kitchen or my liquor cabinet to restock itself or maybe a free trip to someplace tropical!

I know it's only been a few days but so far there is still no food in my kitchen and I just looked and I am down to one bottle of wine. I'm giving the free trip about another week to materialize before I let go of the idea that I actually have the magical power to will things to happen. Actually, truth be told, regardless of having magical willing powers or not, it just feels good to be back to me. I like to be happy and I love to laugh. Whatever I can do, think or say to keep me feeling this way is totally worth it. Because if I don't want to be around myself, I'm pretty sure no one else would want to be either.

Yay for regaining my positive outlook!

Blogfully yours,

Summer

This year I don't hate Valentines Day

For the past 3 years I have pretty much dreaded, despised and cursed Valentines day. Being single will do that to you. This year however, I am not single! I am dating a great guy who is a planner with a super romantic side. Everybody now "Awwww!"

I will actually be out of town for Valentines day so the boyfriend and I decided we would celebrate early. We both agreed to get all of our homework done in advance so that we would have no distractions and to spend all day Sunday together.


To start the day off right, the boyfriend made me breakfast. Yes this is my "Goldenrod" ghetto kitchen. I only wish you could see the push button stove better.

After our hearty breakfast of steak, eggs and Ego Waffles we got ready to head up the mountain. Around 10 AM the boyfriend walked into the bathroom to see what was taking so long. "You do realize we are going skiing right?"
Flabergahsted I replied "Don't you even know me at all?" then turned to put another coat of mascara on.

We made it up to The Canyons around 11ish. The boyfriend turned out to be an excellent skiing buddy (although he is a boarder), and not just because he carried my skis for me from the car to the tram (which was excellent), but because he is so incredibly fun to be around. We ended up having a great time, even though he did have the nerve to throw snowballs at me. The weather was a little snowy but not too cold and we never had to wait in line for longer than a couple minutes.

After skiing we headed back to get cleaned up. The boyfriend made dinner reservations at Log Haven wich was unbelievably good! I had never really been there before. We had a corner table that overlooked the beautiful mountains. The service, the crab cakes, the wine, the steak and lobster - it was all fantastic. I am drooling just thinking about it again. And of course the company completed it all.

I seriously couldn't have asked for a better (early) Valentines day. This man, the boyfriend, I think I am going to have to keep him around for a while. He is starting to get to me and for once it is not a scary thing.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

When the past catches up to you

Last night I met up for a drink with an old friend that I hadn't seen or heard from in 2 1/2 years. I think he moved to another planet or something. It was funny because even though so much time had passed, we still remembered how good of friends we used to be. The part that wasn't funny, in fact quite the opposite, was recounting what has gone on in my life over the past 2 1/2 years.

At first I had no intention of sharing any part of my sob story with my long lost friend, but warm kind eyes and an attentive caring listening ear allowed me to let my guard down enough to talk about things that only my closest friends and family know. I shook a little telling parts of my story, I hope he didn't notice, but at the end of it all when I knew no more details were required, my friend looked me in the eyes and said, "I am so sorry. I wish I could have been there for you."

Without hesitation I responded, "I don't. You wouldn't have even recognized me back then, I was a shell of who I am today. You couldn't have been there for me - I wouldn't have let you in. You couldn't have saved me - I had to save myself. I am the strong healthy happy independent woman that I am today because I learned how to be alone. Accepting that I am OK on my own, making myself happy, those were challenges that I had to overcome on my own. I'm grateful that we are becoming friends again today because I am better now than I have ever been."

2008 has been a fabulous year for me. I traveled a lot with friends and even made it outside of the country for the first time. I started back to school after a 10 year hiatus and have generally remained busy happy and productive. In fact, I even paid off my car this year! That's right, I OWN my car for the first time in my life! All things considered, my life is pretty damn good.

Here's to an even better 2009!

Blogfully yours,
Summer

The Blackest Friday

Originally I had planned to write a post about my crazy 4 AM "Black Friday" shopping experience complete with pictures of my friend Jenn and I all bundled up waiting in a line that wrapped around the building.

That experience didn't end up happening.

Friday morning I received a text from Jenn at 4 AM saying that she wasn't going to make it shopping because she was sick. I was actually VERY relieved because I didn't sleep well plus I was sick myself.

I spent the morning working on homework and then decided that I better drive myself to the InstaCare to make sure I don't have strep throat. While driving there I called my Dad to see if he would be home later so I could pick up my Christmas tree from his basement and would he be kind enough to carry it up to my car and are there still leftovers at the house? He let me ramble on with all my trivial questions and when he was quite sure I was done he cleared his throat and began.

"Summer I received a frantic message from your Grandmother this morning. I was at the temple so I called her back as soon as I got home, I actually just got off the phone with her when you called. There is no easy way to say this, but your Grandpa Hom died this morning."

I swear my heart stopped beating. Instantly I started to cry as my Dad told me all of the details that he had found out. This was my Dad's father and I by sheer chance was the first person he was telling. He hadn't even had a chance to process things for himself, hadn't even had a chance to tell my mother or even change out of his church clothes.

I rushed over to my parents house to see what I could do to help. My Dad hadn't eaten so I made him some food. He was coughing up a lung so I after my Mother and Sister got home to look after the phones, I took my Dad to the InstaCare where we found out he had Bronchitis and I have a strain of Strep. While sitting in the InstaCare waiting room my Dad started to write his fathers obituary. He turned to me and said "You know it's funny because I get to something I don't know and my first thought is I'll just call him up and ask. But I can't call him up anymore."

It breaks my heart to see my father like this. I am sad for my loss of a grandfather, but sadder for the loss of my father's father. My grandpa was 89 years old. He died peacefully.

Please forgive me if my posts are not updated as often as I normally try to do. I will be busy and distracted. I am trying to keep it together and stay strong for my family in the midst of semester projects and finals. This next week will be a challenging one.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

Single for the holidays blows

The time of year that all single women dread is coming up; "The Holidays."

I dwelled on this thought a little too long this weekend. I let my mind wander to the huge family Thanksgiving dinner as well as the Christmas celebrations with all of my relatives. The thought of being the only single one there, while my sisters and cousins all chase around their kids, makes me want to stay home and pull my fingernails out instead. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family. I just don't know if I have the energy to fake a smile and say the obligatory lines of "yep, still single. No, not really seeing anyone either. Yes, one day I'm sure I will find him. Yes, I realize I'm not getting any younger. Here is some salt, can you please rub it in this open sore?" Smile and repeat with the next well intentioned relative who is just trying to be nice.

Then there are all of the work related parties and New Years. New Years! I haven't been single on New Years in over 10 years! Somebody shoot me now!

Of course I called up Karina The Russian to listen to me bitch.

Karina: "Summer, Christmas is not about being with someone with a cock and balls! It's about being with someone you love. I will be your date! You don't need a stupid man!"

Me: "Yeah but you are dating someone now so you are going to want to spend the holidays with him. Which I totally understand."

Karina: "No, he is not my family. YOU are my family. We will make cookies and drink wine and sit by the Christmas tree and stare at the beautiful lights!"


While I was fishing for sympathy, I also told Sarah how I woke up feeling really low. She told me next time I felt that way to drive over, climb in bed with her and we would watch movies and drink wine in bed.

Basically I've decided to quit bitching for the time being because really I'm incredibly blessed to have such amazing, beautiful, understanding, supportive friends who are always there. They get me. They understand that wine and friendship can get you through anything, including the holidays.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

Ignorance vs. loving and loosing

A friend of my commented to me tonight that "ignorance is bliss" which really got me thinking, IS ignorance really bliss? I won't lie, for a moment I was completely sold on the idea. But then the next obvious cliche line came to mind; "it is far better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." Is that painful statement true? Which one is more accurate?

In my short life time I have loved and I have lost, over and over again. Each time I learn a lesson and I chalk it up to building character and forming me into the person I am today, but, I fear that after every breakup I become more and more jaded.

Outside my apartment there was a couple fighting. I couldn't hear what the fight was about but it aided in my further reflection on past relationships. I have been in some where yelling came standard. I have been in one where if I dared to raise my voice I was met only with silence. Fighting, or rather, heated discussions, can have the tendency to make you feel alive. To have someone who evokes that much passion in you, to make you feel strongly one way or another, to actually feel the fire raise up inside you until you blow, is...something. Not necessarily good, but something. If nothing else it means you care enough to be upset. The reason this is of significance is because I have also been in relationships where that fire never existed, where I never cared enough to get upset. Truly, to know happiness you must know sorrow. You will never appreciate pleasure without having experienced pain. So where is the happy medium?

Sometimes I begrudge all of the pain that my search for love has caused me. I am, of course, no saint and have caused my share of pain along the way. I feel it is only natural to wish none of it had ever happened at all, that I had never felt a broken heart, had never cried myself to sleep, that I never knew the regret of loosing someone I truly cared about. Deep down I crave love, just as I am sure so many of you do, but I also fear it. Sometimes I feel it is easier to just keep my heart guarded and locked away. If you never let anyone in, you can never get hurt, right? But even that is not true because you hurt yourself in the process.

Honestly I don't have any answers. Maybe if I did I wouldn't be writing this post instead of finishing my math homework. But I wanted to put down my thoughts before I lost them and decided it wasn't worth revisiting again...because reflection hurts. It may help you grow, but it stings in the process.

Your comments on the subject are welcome here. Don't hold back.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

We go together like PB & J

I ran out of coffee about a week ago. My best friend Karina the Russian instantly recognized that this was going to take it's toll on me and insisted that I wake up 10 minutes earlier so that I could come over to her place, which is only 5 minutes from my apartment, for coffee. Last week I came over twice. She made me eggs with sausage and toast made of hotdog buns one of the mornings.
On Friday we had a movie night and sleepover complete with pajamas and facials. After our second glass of wine she confessed that she had sent her 2 kids to stay with her mom for the weekend not because she needed a break, but because she had no food left in her house. That is a truly sad thing to say, but we find it better to laugh about being broke, you never cry about it. So we raided her kitchen and found some Russian cookies that tasted like Animal Crackers and dipped them in some sort of Russian chocolate hazelnut spread. The very last of her food.
On Sunday I needed to go to the store to pick up a few items and decided that Karina and her kids (which she calls "our kids" as in "Summer, your daughter is out of control can you do something about that" or "Honey your children miss you! Where have you been?") needed food more than I did. I bought them some essentials like bread, peanut butter, milk, corn dogs, juice boxes and some Mickey Mouse shaped cheese (yes I do consider fun shaped food an essential). She was completely floored when I showed up with the food. I told her that I just did it so that when I came over there I would have something to eat. We celebrated the new food by sitting on her porch and having a juice box and fresh peaches. With Karina you celebrate everything. It's part of the reason I love her.
This morning I went over for coffee and my amazing Russian friend had gotten up early enough to get herself and the kids ready then made coffee and a peanut butter and home made jelly sandwich for me to take for lunch and one for breakfast as well. I almost cried right then and there.
In this world there are few things more important than friendship. Although Karina and I have only known each other for a year and a half it feels as if we have known each other forever. It's funny though, so many people do not understand friendship. Both Karina and I have dated men who have accused us of being more than friends. Like the only reason to do something nice for someone else is because you have hidden motives of lust. Idiots. They must not have ever had a best friend. Because if they had, they would know that it's just what friends do. Best friends look out for each other, they tell each other that they love them, they lift each other up when they are down and they make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches just to show how much they care.

What is this feeling I'm feeling?

Urgh! I have a sickening confession to make. It's horrible and some of you might think differently about me after I tell you. I don't know if I should even confess it. In fact it should probably remain my deep dark secret. But then where is the fun in that? Besides we're all friends here right? Me and my good 'ol friend the world wide web. You'll keep my secret right? Right. OK so here it is. I missed a boy. I know! I'm such a sap! Totally disgusted with myself. I have been so good at keeping emotions out of relationships but the tricky little bastards crept in uninvited! Yuck! Don't tell me this is the start of more...feelings! Gross! Who needs those? They only complicate things and make you...well...feel! I can't go around with all these feelings. I mean it will really put a kink in my tough girl man eater image that I have worked so hard to create. Plus confessing that you have feelings or miss someone is also confessing that you like someone and that is like the kiss of death for me because in 2 weeks from now you'll ask how things are going with the guy I was missing and by that point either he or I will have moved on and I'll be all "wait, who are we talking about again?" Don't get me wrong, I don't want that to be that case but if my track record is any indication then well, you know. But the worst part of these icky missing him feelings is that they just kind of hit me. He went out of town and then I'm riding on tracks with Karina the Russian and I turn to her and say "I know this is going to sound strange, but I miss him." and then she starts taunting me singing "you miss a boooy! You miss a boooy! Summer likes a booooooy!"
Stupid feelings. Stupid yucky gross feelings.

Flipidy Flop Flop Flop

Know how some times you stop and think, hey, my life is pretty damn awesome! I have a lot going for me, my heads on strait, I'm in control of my destiny, I have great friends and family and a whiny cat that loves me. I'm taking on college even though everyone is 5 or 10 years younger than me I am still going to kick butt at school cause I rock! I'm in good shape, I've got a modeling gig of sorts this weekend and its sunny and beautiful outside and I've got a job that pays the bills and I'm going on vacation to CALI baby in 2 weeks and gosh darn it LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!? Then out of nowhere you get a text from your x-husband who has been, up until recently, your best friend for the past 10 years saying "Happy late birthday" only 2 weeks late when he has never forgotten before and you made it a point to wish him a happy birthday ON his birthday and then all of the hurt feelings you have been suppressing deep down inside come rushing to the surface and you find yourself crying alone in the bathroom but you are not crying just because he finally remembered, you are crying because he is engaged and living with his soon to be wife and her 3 kids and he killed your old dog, well he gave him to the humane society so you don't really know, but the point is that you trusted him to take care of that dog and then when he offered to let you say goodbye to your dog you couldn't even take him up on it so now your dog Winston keeps visiting you in your dreams and more and more emotions start flooding to the surface and you are asking yourself am I going to start my period? Where are all of these emotions coming from? What is my deal here? Then you choke back the tears, clean yourself up and hide in your office so no one sees that your eyes are red.

Ever have one of those days?

Yeah...me too.