Sometimes Men With Muscles Scare Me

I'm a pretty tough chick most of the time. I kill my own spiders (granted I freak out a little and feel like they are crawling on me for next 10 minutes, but I still do it), I hike up mountains, I take out the trash, I wakeboard, I assemble my own furniture and I hang my own pictures. I consider myself an independent woman who takes care of herself and doesn't take crap from anyone.

Yeah, I'm tough like that.

At the gym last night, right in the middle of their busiest time, I strutted up to the free weights section to work on my arms. I used to rarely venture into the "man zone" as I liked to call it, but since I have been working out with my personal trainer boyfriend ED I have become a lot more confident in my ability and my knowledge of what to do with all those dumbbells.

So I strutted up there, full of all my tough girl confidence, wearing my pink workout clothes and black workout gloves with the fingers cut out and began going through the exercises ED had shown me. I glanced in the mirror and saw two muscle heads working out together and looking at me. No biggie I thought, I'm sure I'm just blocking their view of the mirror. I scooted down a little and started on my next exercise.

The few girls who were also brave enough to be in the "man zone" slowly disappeared and in their place sweaty men with wandering eyes emerged. I continued on. A large serial killer looking man walked between me and the mirror, staring at me while he does so and positions himself next to me still looking right at me.

That's when panic started to set in.

Everywhere I looked I felt eyes on me. Man eyes on me. Apparently all of the women in the gym, including Karina the Russian, were upstairs in the Zoomba class. My heart started to race for reasons other than my work out until finally, in the middle of a set; I had to get out of there.

I left because too many men encroached in my space... at a gym… in the “man zone”.

So much for my tough girl persona.

Am I alone here? Do you ever get intimidated when you go to the gym?

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Getting Out of The Car

There are few things better than the first true sunny spring day at the park. I work a few blocks away from Liberty Park and I often spend my lunch breaks there eating in the car. Rarely have I ever gotten out of the car, but yesterday was different. The sun was out and I couldn't bear the thought of not soaking it in - fear be damned! I spotted the perfect location, a gazebo out in the middle of the pond. No one was sitting there. It had my name written all over it. I exited my comfort zone of confined car door walls, and started the short walk over to my lunch destination. Walking along in my business attire, sharp heels aerating the lawn as I stepped on the moist grass. I felt the soft breeze swirl around me and wished I had the sense to pack a light jacket. I had been so excited to hear that the temperature would be in the 70's that nothing else mattered, outside of wearing the new sleeveless spring top I had purchased 3 weeks prior.

I continued on, walking across the wooden and steel bridge, then carefully stepping around, so as not to wake, the nesting geese. I choose a bench in the sun. Ah the sweet warm sun. Soaking it up for a minute before opening up my sandwich. A flood of memories of all the times I had come to the park and never stepped foot outside my car, except to deposit my trash, came rushing to me. I used spend 3 to 4 lunch breaks a week sitting in my car talking to the foreign man of my affection. "So, what are you having to eat today? Sandwich? So predictable."

On the park bench, hearing the birds call to each other and watching the clouds lazily float by, felt different. I felt alive, like I was finally living in the moment not dreaming of moments that would never be. I closed my eyes while taking in several deep breaths. When I opened them and once again became aware of my surroundings I took out my predictable sandwich and savored every last bite taking comfort in the fact that today, I was not predictable. Today I got out of the car.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

My transformation to nerdom is almost complete

As I was driving home from school I started thinking about my day. I went to lunch with my friend Sarah and was reflecting on our "we only have an hour so lets catch up on everything that has been happening over the past 2 weeks" conversation. We talked about the stresses of juggling both school and work. Then we discussed blogging and Google Analytics. Next up was the BlogHer convention we are going to in July. We followed our lunch up with talking about iPhones and whether or not to use them as iPods as well. I think we discussed boys for a total of 5 minutes (ED don't be mad. It's not that you are not important or interesting baby, because you are... and special too....and you can bench like 350 lbs so that's cool too.)

I remember a time, not so long ago, when my conversations were all about who is dating who, where I went out to last weekend, Oh my god where did you get that outfit!, sex, and other fun trivial topics. Now I discuss technology and school. I Twitter. I blog. I facebook. I wear glasses more often than not and right now I am sitting with a pencil in my hair.

The worst part, I ACTUALLY considered making a pie chart to illustrate my social life now versus a year ago! Yeah! I have become that girl. People used to call me to see where the action was at!

But never fear! I promise not to get boring on you (or me for that matter)! Spring break is only a week away and I plan to take full advantage of it.

I WILL HAVE A LIFE AGAIN... even if it only lasts for a week.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Here goes something

So my good friend Sarah encouraged me to check out or rather sign up for the Grace in Small Things website. She told me it is great for when you don't have anything "good" to blog about. So I thought, sure, why not? I'll check it out. I looked at it and I'm still not really sure what it is all about, but it encourages you to write about 5 positive things everyday and claims it will send you "challenges" every day. Don't worry, I won't really be doing that - except for this post. Not because I have nothing to write about, but because I've had a stressful day and I think a little forced positivity never hurt anyone... at least not seriously... that I know of.

Here we go! 5 Positive Things!

1. My cat. God I sound pathetic but she is rubbing against me right now (she hates when I ignore her) and it is really sweet, plus her fur is soft against my leg.

2. I get to see the boyfriend like 4 or 5 times this week! Normally we restrict it to 2 - 3 nights per week. OK restrict is the wrong word... it's just that we are both so busy and both have school so that is about all we can fit in. But not this week! I played hookie from school last night to do homework so he came over and he is actually on his way over as I write this. So this week is looking good!

3. As I was cleaning up and organizing my filing box last weekend, shredding old stuff and what not, I came across the most horrible sight! About 4 years ago, when I was still married, I had let myself go and was probably 15 lbs heavier than I am right now. In an effort to get motivated, my ex-husband and I took pictures of ourselves in swimsuits from all angles as well as wrote down our body measurements. Why in the world I still have these pictures I have no idea. They are incredibly disturbing to look at BUT seeing them made me appreciate how far I have come as well as realizing that I never want to look like that again! PLUS, of course I had to measure myself to see what I am now and I am like 2-3" smaller in most areas! Hells yeah!

4. HEROES! I am so totally addicted to this show. The boyfriend and I keep renting the DVDs and staying up until 1 to watch them. It is not great for the sex life but DAMN are they good! We are midway through season two and although I have been watching all of season 3 simultaneously it is so cool to get caught up on what I have missed. Yeah, I know I am a dork, but my Dad raised me to like comic book type shows.

5. Last but not least, writing. I was thinking about it a lot today and I do a lot of writing. I am sure right now you are thinking that it doesn't show because my grammar and punctuation is always off, but I really do dammit! For work, for school, for myself and for you lovely Internet. I absolutely love it. It is a release and a chore. It helps define me as well as challenge me. Without it I'd probably end up in a mental institution talking to myself.

Whew! So that wasn't so bad right? I feel more positive and healthy (mentally) already. I don't know what "challenges" this Grace in Small Things will throw my way next, but don't be surprised if the good ones end up on here occasionally.

Peace out!

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

I am on a quest to find the perfect lunch break study joint where I can get food, some peace and quiet and internet access. I have been rotating through 3 local coffee shops but hate that when I leave my hair always smells like toast for the rest of the day.

Downtown Salt Lake has a new incredibly beautiful library that I have heard is decent to study at, so yesterday I headed there. There was no street parking so I headed to the underground parking garage. I HATE underground parking! Is it just me or do they always seem like a murder scene? No one is around, every step you take echos, it is poorly lit... the man walking towards me with a baby stroller looks like he is going to pull a chainsaw out of it and start chasing me as soon as he gets closer. I have to remind myself that this is Salt Lake and not a slasher movie.

Anyway, parking at the library is free for the first 30 minutes and $1.25 for every 30 minutes after which seems a little steep to me. I walk down the hall where there are little cafe shops but realize quickly that you can not take food into the library with you so I pass them by. I walk through the metal detectors and it really is beautiful. Glass walls overlooking the city and the smell of old books. I start looking around trying to scope out a good place to hunker down for the next 45 minutes, carefully assessing the people around. I see no less than 4 (presumably) homeless guys hanging out. I head up a level to look for a more secluded area. I find a work station in the corner by a window. Shortly after I have all of my books out and am starting to add polynomials, one of the homeless dudes from down stairs comes and sits at a chair 2 desks down from me. No big deal until he falls asleep and starts SNORING very loudly. I breath deep, curse myself for not bringing headphones and keep working. Then snoring homeless guys buddy from downstairs comes and sits right across from me to read the paper. It's a public library, people can sit wherever they like, I get it. But I purposely found a place away from everyone and there were other empty desks close by so I start feeling like he did it just to fuck with me. I become a little paranoid and can't concentrate. All I hear is the snoring snoring snoring and I keep getting waves of the scent of cigarette smoke and dirty clothes from the guy sitting across from me who is intently studying a Sears ad like it is breaking news.

Finally I pack up my stuff and start to head out, half positive that the homeless duo are going to start following me, which of course they don't but it doesn't stop me from looking over my shoulder anyway. I feel like everyone is watching me as I walk out and I swear to you they were! I tell myself I am being ridiculous and if anyone IS looking at me it's just because they don't see many 6 feet tall women walking around and maybe I am a freakshow to them. I hustle out and as I am waiting for the elevator to go back to the slasher parking garage, another homeless guy who looks a little like Jesus, if Jesus had a lazy eye, won't stop stairing! I hit the elevator button again and sideways glance over and he is STILL stairing! Which if you are going to kill me fine, stair away. But if not, it's just considered rude! I finally make it to my car, pay the toll booth and head back to work.

After committing this story to words it is very apparent that I must have some serious fear of public places... or homeless dudes. Either way I don't think I will be going back to the public library anytime soon. I'll stick to the safety of my little coffee shops where I can see my car from the window thank-you-very-much. Obviously I am not cut out for life in a really big city. I'd be having anxiety attacks daily. I'm actually a little dissapointed in myself to be honest. I pride myself in being an independant bad ass chick. I don't like seeing myself as the stupid girl who when running from the chainsaw guy trips and just starts screaming while he keeps coming towards her. I want to be the girl who laughs in his face at his weak weapon then drop kicks him to the floor while yelling "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?" because that is what a bad ass chick should do.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

I'm positively positive

Last weekend I got depressed. Normally I am a happy-go-lucky type of person who is generally an optimist... but I wasn't happy, I wasn't go-lucky (whatever that means) and I sure as shit wasn't an optimist. I wasn't myself at all.

I'm not sure why it happens, but every once in a while I let the weight of the world that has been piling on my shoulders come crashing down around me. I over-extend myself and instead of turning into the superwoman I think I should be, the one who can juggle everything, I shut down and do nothing. Then because I am a bit of a control freak and feel like I am not controlling my actions how I would like, I get depressed and do nothing but sleep. Yeah. That is the best psychoanalysis I can come up with for what happened.

Luckily I was in enough of a frame of mind to recognize that I needed to do SOMETHING to pull myself out of it before beginning my work week or I would never survive. Sunday night I swung by Karina the Russians place to borrow her DVD of The Secret. I came home and watched it while attempting to do homework and you know what? The stupid show actually really helped me out! I started telling myself little positive reinforcements and visualizing things happening the way I wanted!

Monday I was stressed because due to my comatose weekend of imitating a zombie, I hadn't finished my research paper or my math homework that was due the following day. I don't normally get out of class on Mondays until 8:30pm but I just kept telling myself all day "there is plenty of time. Don't stress, there is always plenty of time." So then Monday night my teacher lets us out of class 1 1/2hrs early so THERE ACTUALLY WAS PLENTY OF TIME! I couldn't believe it! I actually willed there to be enough time. Yeah, I was feeling pretty damn powerful right about then. I started trying to decide what to use my new found powers on next. Maybe for there to be food in my kitchen or my liquor cabinet to restock itself or maybe a free trip to someplace tropical!

I know it's only been a few days but so far there is still no food in my kitchen and I just looked and I am down to one bottle of wine. I'm giving the free trip about another week to materialize before I let go of the idea that I actually have the magical power to will things to happen. Actually, truth be told, regardless of having magical willing powers or not, it just feels good to be back to me. I like to be happy and I love to laugh. Whatever I can do, think or say to keep me feeling this way is totally worth it. Because if I don't want to be around myself, I'm pretty sure no one else would want to be either.

Yay for regaining my positive outlook!

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Everyone else is doing it.

Last night I hit the gym, studied for my math test, revised my essay and watched the first 2 episodes of Heros (season one) with the boyfriend. I was a blogging slacker so I'm taking the easy way out and posting what I already posted on Facebook... although numbers 8 & 9 don't really count.

23 Things about me.

1. I talk to my cat. I can't leave the house in the morning without telling her goodbye and to be good.

2. I still bite my nails. It's one of those nasty nervous habits that I have never been able to shake.

3. I ate Indian food for the first time in my life last Friday. It was amazing.

4. I started getting gray hair about 2 years ago.

5. I own my car. Paid it off last summer. I can't tell you how much I love not having a car payment.

6. I was once told that I didn't know how to be alone so I spent a year being single. Best unspoken challenge that I ever won.

7. I've never had a boyfriend with brown eyes.

8. I'm a blogger. My grandmother is my biggest fan/reader.

9. I recently created a blog category of "Posts grandma won't approve of"

10. I hate seeing wrinkles. I spend way too much money on face potions and lotions.

11. At any given time I have 8-10 tubes of lip stick or lip gloss in my purse, mascara and powder. It's slightly ridiculous.

12. I'm pretty sure my tech guys at work only tolerate my computer ignorance because I amuse them.

13. I have more condiments then actual food in my fridge.

14. I am never happier then when I am in the mountains; be it hiking, skiing, snowshoeing or camping, it is my happy place and gives me my sanity.

15. If I didn't have to work I would donate all my time to charity and write a book.

16. I love being back in school. Over the Christmas break I missed it.

17. When I was a little girl I had a lisp and talked like tweety bird - one of those stories my Dad still loves to tell just to embarrass me.

18. I got divorced 3 1/2 years ago from my High School sweetheart. We are still friends to this day though.

19. I am very close with my family. I eat Sunday dinner with my parents at least 3 times a month.

20. I have beautiful-amazing-talented

-strong-girl friends in my life. I would be absolutely lost without them.

21. I recently started to date a man I am crazy about, which is awesome cause he is crazy about me too. ;)

22. My natural hair color is a very light brown... I think. I haven't seen it in 12 years.

23. I don't watch scary movies. The Sixth Sense gave me nightmares so you can imagine what a horror flick would do.

24. I love music and concerts. I go to at least 6 concerts a year.

25. I am incredibly friendly and always like to believe the best about people. I do not understand mean or rude people. They suck.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

Obsess much?

I am sitting here trying to think of something note worthy to write. I thought about writing how my Dad called me at work just to see how I am doing and so that my niece could say "hi". I thought about how my most devoted reader who also happens to be my adorable Grandmother, called my Mother to inquire about the doctors appointment that I wrote about. Of course my Mom knew nothing about it because I didn't tell her and she doesn't regularly read my posts so she asked my Dad about it and he knew nothing which spurred the original phone call in the first place. Which is typical of how my family communicates and really it's hilarious if I could stop to actually digest it.

But I can't.

I can't because right now the only thing on my mind is that I got 99% on my first math test of the semester. I should be jumping up and down because I got an A, right? But instead I am pissed off that I forgot to carry the negative on a question, hence causing a 1 point deduction and the 99%.

Grrr! You may have won this time negative number but I'll be damned if I make that mistake again!

Blogfully yours,

Summer

When Doctors Tell You the Painful Truth

WARNING: In this post I am going to share something personal. If that makes you uncomfortable, check back in a day or two. I promise I will have more light hearted goodness for your enjoyment.

Yesterday morning I had a doctors appointment with my OBGYN. For any of the guys still daring to continue reading, that's the doctor who takes care of the female stuff. Now that I have lost all my male readers, let's move on with the story.

I have a medical condition called Endometriosis. According to WebMD, "Endometriosis is the development of uterine-lining tissue outside the uterus. Symptoms include abdominal pain, heavy periods, and infertility. Treatments include pain relievers, birth control pills, and surgery."

I have been dealing with this for over 10 years. I've tried every type of treatment from pills to shots to surgery (twice) to finally my current treatment, a simple IUD. When I was younger, doctors used to tell me to hurry and have kids then get a hysterectomy - the only guaranteed cure. Advice that may have been true, but to an 18 year old, not exactly something I was prepared to hear. However, when I was 24 and married, I did attempt to get pregnant. A year later I was divorced. I suppose this information will help explain part of this post.

Now I am 28.

I have had the same doctor, whom I love, for the past 6 or 7 years. He has seen me through treatment after unsuccessful treatment, managed pain medications and even performed one of my surgeries. At this particular yearly check up he decided that it was time to prepare me for the disappointment he fears I am headed towards. It is one thing to silently accept the fact that no matter how much you dreamed of it growing up, no matter how much you practiced playing mom with your dolls, a baby of your own is just not in the cards for you. It is quite another, I assure you, when a doctor says it.

When I left the doctors office, I cried on the drive into work.

Most of the time when the subject of children comes up, I say I don't really want any or I am undecided if kids are right for me. It is easier than explaining the truth, which is simply that I don't get to choose. Now I know what you will say, there is always adoption or the 20 grand process of in vitro which gives you a basic shot in hell. Please don't think for a second that I don't know the options out there - I'm aware.

Right now I am just reflecting. I am not throwing myself a pity party, as I mentioned this is not new news to me. It just still hurts. I think it will always hurt a little. But we all have our challenges and this is mine. It's not so bad. I've learned the process of mind of matter when it comes to pain management. Plus when that doesn't work, a glass of wine and some Ibuprofen can do the trick. I have learned how to genuinely be happy for friends and family who become pregnant. I no longer begrudge them as I once did. As for the rest of the symptoms that are a bit too personal to discuss, I am tackling those too. I could have it so much worse. I just have to remind myself of that at times... like right now.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Grown up dating

As a teenager growing up one of my highlights was going to school dances.

Yeah, yeah, big deal right? Wrong.

In Utah school dances were and probably still are a big deal. For example, to ask a boy to a girls choice dance you do not simply walk up to them and say "hey, you wanna go to Spring Formal with me?" Oh no no no! You get their mothers permission to decorate their room with a big sign that says "I'd drop dead to go to Spring formal with you!" Put some police caution tape up around his room, outline your friends body on the floor and make it look like a crime scene. Lastly, hide your name somewhere in his room for him to find, tell his mom where you hid it - just in case he can't find it.

Oh but gets better.

The poor guy must now answer you in an equally creative way. Say, bake a cake with a toy gun on the top that reads "Shoot, don't drop dead, find my answer in the cake instead!" Leaving you to tear through a whole sheet cake to find the answer.

The day of the dance rolls around which will involve a full day of activities: games during the day (laser tag or an organized food fight in the park), a break to get ready (in matching themed shirts if it is not a formal event), dinner, the actual dance, over priced professional photos followed by an extended curfew PG movie with a group of friends at whoever has the largest TVs house. Close parental supervision will be enforced so first base is about all the guy can hope for.

Yes, I looked forward to each and every one of those stupid dances. It was the prep work, the anticipation, the "oh my gosh I hope I get asked!" followed by the relief of finally getting asked by your best guy friend who felt sorry for you.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I have a date tonight. I have a date, with a man who actually took the time to plan something fun out. I get to wear my new black suede boots on my date. I raided my closet and tried on 3 outfits (with my boots of course) to find the one that makes my butt look round and the rest of me look sexy-classy, not sexy-slutty. I thought about making him wear matching themed shirts but figured he might think I'm crazy. Best to stick with the sexy-classy.

OK, so I know this is far from the same thing, the rules have definitely changed and there will be no parental supervision, but it just feels really good to have someone put forth an effort.

I feel... special.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Sick as a Dog

What exactly does the expression "sick as a dog" mean? Did somebody have a really low oppinion of dogs, as in dogs are sick creatures? That seems kind of rude. For the record I am a fan of dogs. But unfortunately "sick as a dog" is how I have been the past few days. Sore throat, fever and full body aches. I slept for over 14 hours last night and woke up delirious and confused, I'm assuming form the fever. I was so out of it I wouldn't answer my phone or respond to texts. I knew I needed to take something to help my fever, but I couldn't think clearly enough to get out of bed. Any time I'd sit up I'd start shivering and lay back down again.

Eventually I did get up. I got my fever under control, ate some soup, drank some tea, got caught up on my DVR shows and I am starting to feel slightly better. I even managed to take down most of my Christmas decorations. Talk about a long overdue project. But now, I am exhausted again so off to bed I go.

Dog-fully yours,
Summer

When the past catches up to you

Last night I met up for a drink with an old friend that I hadn't seen or heard from in 2 1/2 years. I think he moved to another planet or something. It was funny because even though so much time had passed, we still remembered how good of friends we used to be. The part that wasn't funny, in fact quite the opposite, was recounting what has gone on in my life over the past 2 1/2 years.

At first I had no intention of sharing any part of my sob story with my long lost friend, but warm kind eyes and an attentive caring listening ear allowed me to let my guard down enough to talk about things that only my closest friends and family know. I shook a little telling parts of my story, I hope he didn't notice, but at the end of it all when I knew no more details were required, my friend looked me in the eyes and said, "I am so sorry. I wish I could have been there for you."

Without hesitation I responded, "I don't. You wouldn't have even recognized me back then, I was a shell of who I am today. You couldn't have been there for me - I wouldn't have let you in. You couldn't have saved me - I had to save myself. I am the strong healthy happy independent woman that I am today because I learned how to be alone. Accepting that I am OK on my own, making myself happy, those were challenges that I had to overcome on my own. I'm grateful that we are becoming friends again today because I am better now than I have ever been."

2008 has been a fabulous year for me. I traveled a lot with friends and even made it outside of the country for the first time. I started back to school after a 10 year hiatus and have generally remained busy happy and productive. In fact, I even paid off my car this year! That's right, I OWN my car for the first time in my life! All things considered, my life is pretty damn good.

Here's to an even better 2009!

Blogfully yours,
Summer

The hits keep on coming

First of all let me say a great big "THANK YOU"! I have been overwhelmed by the amazing amount of support, sympathy and condolences I have received. I suppose that death and grieving is something that just about everyone can relate to. Thanks for helping me feel less alone.

Tonight I decided to pull out all of my Christmas decorations. My mother is very big on decorating for the holidays and I suppose it is something she passed on to me. I don't go crazy for every holiday (although I do have decorations for all of them), but I do for Christmas. This year however, decorating took a horrible turn for the worse.

I opened up the first of my 5 large boxes of Christmas decorations. Sitting on the top, laid out next to each other waiting to be discovered were the stockings that my x-boyfriend and I made with love last year for Christmas. I broke up with him 3 weeks after Christmas. So of course I need to burn them or at very least toss them into the dumpster right? The evil part of me considered mailing my "x" his stocking back... Actually I am still considering it...

The part that upsets me most about seeing the stupid stockings is that it is complete dejavu. Last Christmas when I was pulling out decorations the same thing happened only with a different "x", but it was worse because it wasn't just his stocking, it was his AND his 2 daughters stockings! Damn. I loved those kids.

Seriously internet people, I am unlucky in love! Maybe I was wrong. Maybe single for the holidays IS the way to go. Who knows, the way things are looking, single forever looks like the way to go. Only buying presents for family, friends and myself, that's not so bad. Having only a stocking for myself and my cat - very do-able. And next year when I pull the decorations out I won't have this problem.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

The things I can't say

So here is the problem with having a blog, people read it. I know, sounds dumb right? I WANT people to read it, but at the same time, it hinders me from talking about the things that are really on my mind.

A wise woman once told me that blogging is cheaper than therapy. So true, but what good is it if you can't really say what is on your mind? For example, item one I'd like to talk about is x's, in particular a recent conversation with one. There is so much I could say, so much I need to get off my chest, but writing about x's has inadvertently hurt them in the past when they have read my blog. I never meant for it to hurt them, but it did. So now, to avoid that happening again, I CAN'T WRITE ABOUT THEM.

Second...how do I say what it is without saying it? How about I just say, in a very tip toe manner, it has to do with dating and whether or not to accept an invitation (with a much older man)? Shit, that is probably saying too much. But what am I supposed to do? Write about my cat all the time? It is, after all, MY blog. I should be able to say whatever I want. Right? But then there is the whole people having feelings and what not. I mean to the person(s) I am writing, or not writing about, it will be completely obvious that I am talking about them even if the rest of the world has not idea. I guess the problem lies in me caring. I should just learn not to give a crap. That's the obvious answer here.

Anywho, here is my random rant of a post for the day. Since I am sure this post has not left you feeling uplifted, I'm steal someone else's profound words...they seemed to help me today anyway.

"Our life's a stage, a comedy: either learn to play and take it lightly, or bear its troubles patiently."
- Palladas

Here's to taking it lightly!

Blogfully yours,
Summer

Participating in History

I had originally planned to post about my Metallica experience, but I think that can wait a day. Yesterday was possibly one of the greatest days of my life. I woke up, got ready just like any other day, then I went in the rain to go vote. I was fortunate that there was not much of a line. I started to cry as I pushed the button to elect Barack Obama as our next president. Never in my life has an election meant so much to me. Never in my life have I cared as much or been so informed, or involved. I came to work with a sticker over my heart and a smile on my face.
I went to class after school and thank god for text messages and good friends who kept me updated as each state announced their results. At one point the teacher announced that Obama was ahead. One student grumbled and "oh no!" I looked over at him like he was an alien because that's about how much I can relate with non-Obama supporters. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I guess I just forget sometimes that there are people out there who do not have the same as mine.
After class I got in the car and turned on NPR as I drove home. I picked up a salad from my favorite Greek restaurant and rushed home to watch as the results continued to come in.
I was sitting on my couch eating my salad, giving little pieces of chicken to my cat Aurora, when they announced that Barack Obama would be the next president. I screamed and started cheering. I'm sure my neighbors all heard me, but I didn't care. Let them hear me I thought!
I watched McCains graceful and well spoken speech. I watched President-elect Obama's powerful acceptance speech. I couldn't help but cry. This was a defining moment in history and I am so excited that it happened in my lifetime. There is a buzz in the air and it is infectious. I really feel that we CAN make a difference. My own personal efforts to do what I can to make this world a better place don't feel in vain any more. I have hope. I have pride for our country once again. I am looking forward to the future instead of fearing it. In short, Summer is a happy girl today!




Blogfully yours,
Summer

Ignorance vs. loving and loosing

A friend of my commented to me tonight that "ignorance is bliss" which really got me thinking, IS ignorance really bliss? I won't lie, for a moment I was completely sold on the idea. But then the next obvious cliche line came to mind; "it is far better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." Is that painful statement true? Which one is more accurate?

In my short life time I have loved and I have lost, over and over again. Each time I learn a lesson and I chalk it up to building character and forming me into the person I am today, but, I fear that after every breakup I become more and more jaded.

Outside my apartment there was a couple fighting. I couldn't hear what the fight was about but it aided in my further reflection on past relationships. I have been in some where yelling came standard. I have been in one where if I dared to raise my voice I was met only with silence. Fighting, or rather, heated discussions, can have the tendency to make you feel alive. To have someone who evokes that much passion in you, to make you feel strongly one way or another, to actually feel the fire raise up inside you until you blow, is...something. Not necessarily good, but something. If nothing else it means you care enough to be upset. The reason this is of significance is because I have also been in relationships where that fire never existed, where I never cared enough to get upset. Truly, to know happiness you must know sorrow. You will never appreciate pleasure without having experienced pain. So where is the happy medium?

Sometimes I begrudge all of the pain that my search for love has caused me. I am, of course, no saint and have caused my share of pain along the way. I feel it is only natural to wish none of it had ever happened at all, that I had never felt a broken heart, had never cried myself to sleep, that I never knew the regret of loosing someone I truly cared about. Deep down I crave love, just as I am sure so many of you do, but I also fear it. Sometimes I feel it is easier to just keep my heart guarded and locked away. If you never let anyone in, you can never get hurt, right? But even that is not true because you hurt yourself in the process.

Honestly I don't have any answers. Maybe if I did I wouldn't be writing this post instead of finishing my math homework. But I wanted to put down my thoughts before I lost them and decided it wasn't worth revisiting again...because reflection hurts. It may help you grow, but it stings in the process.

Your comments on the subject are welcome here. Don't hold back.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

Awarded

Yesterday I received my first blogging award. I had read about people getting awards from different sites but never really followed what exactly that meant. This particular award, The Kreativ Blogger Award, was given to me by Kendal over at Confessions of an Odd Duck. There is no nominating comities, it is simply one persons opinion on which blogs they feel deserve to be recognized and those people nominate more people and the love is spread. I am honored that The Odd Duck felt Blogfully Yours was worthy of an award.

So the only stipulations of the award are the you must write 6 things that you love and then pass the award on to 6 people.

Things I love...

1. Family & Friends. I have the good fortune of being very close with my family and I do not take that for granted. I am blessed with amazing friends who are always there for me and are, essentially, extensions of my family. I would be lost without them.
2. Coffee. The smell, the taste, the feeling of coming alive as I drink it throughout the morning. It's a part of my daily routine that brings me pleasure.
3. Hiking & Nature. There is nothing that make me feel more grounded then getting out into nature. I love to spend time in the mountains. It takes me away from the stresses of life and puts everything into perspective for me.
4. Being Challenged. Boredom is not my friend, it is my nemesis. I like to stay busy and I am constantly looking for new ways to challenge myself. Be it school, dating, work or projects. I may complain about being overwhelmed with so much to do, but the truth is I strive off of it.
5. Small Victories. Recognizing the little things that come my way and celebrating them. Today someone bought me a cup of coffee, yesterday I found out that 17 countries read my blog, I got 100% on my last math test...little things that deserve to be celebrated.
6. Laughing. I'm not sure how to expand on this. I love to laugh. One way to capture my heart, as a friend, as a lover, is to make me laugh.

For my 6 nominees to pass this award on to, I would like to acknowledge that most of them will not re-post and I want you to know I completely understand. Most of them I am sure have received numerous awards so this will not be as big of a deal to them as it is to me.

My first awards go to Caveat Emptor, Wind in Your Vagina, and Jenny the Bloggess as they all inspire me with their writing and make me laugh. My fourth award goes to Sarah Nielson who has become not only my blogging mentor, but also my firend. My fifth and sixth awards go to Doni in the City and The Kel who are my long distant blogging friends and continue to make me smile on a daily basis with their witty posts and hilarious tweets.

Much love to you all!

Blogfully yours,
Summer

Cats and dogs living together

I made the crazy statement that I was giving up on dating as I am apparently not good at it. My adorable friend RLO, being a guy and therefore always wanting to fix any problem, suggested that he and I and Sarah all move in together and grow bitter and old together. In my infinite womanly wisdom I realized the flaw in his plan and told him that Sarah's dog Daisy and my cat Aurora might not get along so well. Then Mr. RLO consented, but still being flawed as a male, said "true, Daisy and Aurora might have a lot of sexual tension they don't know how to deal with".

Moral of the story: Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus but cats and dogs just need a little sexual rediscovery to get along.


Blogfully yours,
Summer

What a true fall dress looks like

Today it is freezing outside! Seriously, I think it actually froze last night. Just checked the weather website and it is 32 (crap where is the little temperature circle thingy button????) degrees outside. This actually caused me to get excited because I bought a TRUE fall dress while in California that I haven't had the chance to wear yet. Now, my friend Kelli, who lives in sunny San Diego, would have us believe that fall dresses are the same as summer dresses but in different colors. I.E. still light, still sleeveless...so not Fall. I have decided to set the record strait as she is obviously confused and has completely turned her back on Utah fashion.

Now the first thing you will notice is that I am like 2 feet taller than my receptionist. This is not an optical illusion. Second you will notice that my dress is long sleeved AND I have leggings on! My receptionist has a sweater dress with a long sleeved shirt underneath. She has fabulous tan legs so she doesn't have anything underneath and is consequentially sitting at her desk with a space heater. Yep, pretty sure as soon as Kel sees this picture she is going to want to move back home.

What is this feeling I'm feeling?

Urgh! I have a sickening confession to make. It's horrible and some of you might think differently about me after I tell you. I don't know if I should even confess it. In fact it should probably remain my deep dark secret. But then where is the fun in that? Besides we're all friends here right? Me and my good 'ol friend the world wide web. You'll keep my secret right? Right. OK so here it is. I missed a boy. I know! I'm such a sap! Totally disgusted with myself. I have been so good at keeping emotions out of relationships but the tricky little bastards crept in uninvited! Yuck! Don't tell me this is the start of more...feelings! Gross! Who needs those? They only complicate things and make you...well...feel! I can't go around with all these feelings. I mean it will really put a kink in my tough girl man eater image that I have worked so hard to create. Plus confessing that you have feelings or miss someone is also confessing that you like someone and that is like the kiss of death for me because in 2 weeks from now you'll ask how things are going with the guy I was missing and by that point either he or I will have moved on and I'll be all "wait, who are we talking about again?" Don't get me wrong, I don't want that to be that case but if my track record is any indication then well, you know. But the worst part of these icky missing him feelings is that they just kind of hit me. He went out of town and then I'm riding on tracks with Karina the Russian and I turn to her and say "I know this is going to sound strange, but I miss him." and then she starts taunting me singing "you miss a boooy! You miss a boooy! Summer likes a booooooy!"
Stupid feelings. Stupid yucky gross feelings.