Thursday, May 22, 2008

Commitment phobia

To all of my Sex In the City Fans: Have you ever wondered how Cary could write about her relationships so open and honestly when she knew that her partner could pick up the paper and read it? Do you think she edited what she said? Do you think it bothered the guy to have their intimate details written about? Maybe it helps to use code names like Mr. Big.
Recently one of my good friends told me that she is a commitment-phobe and that I am as well. My response was "duh! I could have told you that!". Over the past 3 years since my divorce I have jumped from relationship to relationship. Never being single for longer than a month or two. I guess you could call me a serial monogamist. Each relationship lasts around 3-6 months. Then a sad dramatic break up. A month of going crazy. Date a bit and then WHAM! I'm in another relationship.
That is my pattern...up until recently.
I have now decided to be alone but in a committed relationship. How's that for screwed up? I am dating a man who doesn't live here. He doesn't even live in this country! Let's call him Sven. Now obviously there is a long story about the how and when we met (because this is round 2 for us). That story is not necessary for the point I am somehow going to try to get to. You see I am so afraid to truly commit that I choose to date someone who deep down I know the chances of us working out our are so incredibly slim, that I am comfortable with it. I have not seen him since March and will not see him again until the first of July. We talk and text everyday and that's about it. I have complete freedom. I do what I want when i want without answering to anyone. This is the first time in my life that I have done that! I am getting the satisfaction of feeling independent and the security of being in a relationship.
So to psychoanalyze this a little further a large part of me says everything is great! Go with the flow. Whatever happens happens. Don't get too invested and you'll be OK. I convince myself that I am fine with it. Then there is the hopeless romantic side to me. Oh, I hate when she comes out! She believes in love and that things could work and that maybe, just maybe, he could be "the one". She tries to convince me that I could really go through with moving away from my entire world to another country and a new exciting romantic life. My life could be just like a romantice comedy. "Take a chance on love" she whispers and flutters her eyelashes. Blah! Then my practicality and what I like to call my "scared shitless genes" kick in and convince me that it is best to call everything off right now before Sven flies here and I actually fall harder for him and get hurt. Because no one likes a broken heart!
Guess there is no way to shorten this story. Recently I was challenged with the acusation that I have never truly been alone for any substancial amount of time. Not liking where the conversation was going I stood my ground and said I am alone right now and it is starting to be a very substancial amount of time. But, ahh ha! I am put in my place because I am not alone. I have my security blanket of a relationship.
The reality is, at least in my mind, that being alone takes some time to master. And if this is my way of mastering it...well, there are worse thing that I could do. I care a great deal for Sven, and I know I would always regret it if I chickened out and didn't see where this could go. Love (if that's what it is), could actually win...right?

1 comment:

Candice Warby said...

Anything can happen. Give "Sven" a chance