Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Ouch Factor

This morning I found out that my x-husband is engaged. He and I have tried to remain friends throughout everything so you can imagine my shock when I found out his happy news via his blog...I found out from his blog.
We have been divorced nearly 3 years and I am happy for him. But, as much as I hate to admit it, it really stings. I knew it would happen, he had even talked to me about it several months back, but seeing the official news has thrown me for a loop. I guess I kinda thought I would remarry first. I know, I know, I said I didn't want to get married again, and I am not sure I do want to, but it is what I thought. They seem very happy together and she adores him from all I can tell. Maybe it stings so much because despite my hardass attitude, it is what I long for in my life. This news, mixed with other recent events, has just about done me in for today.

Tuesday "Sven", (my now x Swedish love) flew into the states. Upon arrival he text me:
"Hi Love! In NY now, dreamt about you on the flight. I want to see you baby. I can't be here without..."
He is in Florida right now visiting some relatives. We spoke today and he said he wanted to check flight prices to see if he could afford to come visit me. I am so torn. Part of me really wants to see him but another part of me does not. I don't know if I can put myself through it again. I know that we do not have a future but when he is here I go into denial and then he leaves and breaks my heart...again. Why put myself through that?
I recently started to date again and it is challenging enough on it's own. Most of the time I am not sure I am emotionally ready. Sven has a large peice of my heart that I haven't recovered. I'm not fully sure how to get it back. Does he always get to keep a peice? That doesn't seem right. I know it takes time and if I see him, it will take that much more time because every time I see him I fall a little deeper and a little harder.
Ah my heavy heart...let's get some sleep and things will look better in the morning.

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