Sunday, July 27, 2008

Peace and Quiet

Every once in a great while you find an entire weekend on your hands with absolutely nothing to do! These are cherished rarities. This weekend has been one of those rarities.
Originally I was planning to go camping with a group of friends, but when the "group" turned into just one couple plus me, I decided not to go. Instead of seeking out dates or parties to keep me busy I chose to lay low and use this weekend to relax, reflect and regain control of my chaotic life. I did laundry, cleaned my place, hung out by the pool, finished my book and watched about a half dozen movies! At first this weekend was very scary to me. To sit home on a Friday and Saturday night has not been very common for me as of late, but I quite enjoyed it. I started to realize that this is what it is like to truly be alone. Somewhat sad and frightening, but at the same time refreshing and liberating. I guess the first part that made me feel alone is that I had no one calling me and no reason to expect anyone to be calling me. The second part was that for the first time, I wasn't wishing that anyone was. It dawned on me that my heart is finally starting to heal. Now I can't say that I do not think of and miss Sven - I do. And I can't say that I didn't wonder how Mr. Larsen* was doing (he is out of town on a fishing trip) - I did. But there was not that pain and sense of longing that has been my constant companion for so long. Instead I was able to think with a clear head about what I want and where I am headed.
The first thing I decided, and this has been a long time coming, is that I want to fall in love. Whew! There, I said it! I want to have butterflies and feel special and sexy and safe. Now, that being said, let me clarify that I do not want to rush into anything. Meaning that I am not planning to fall head of heels for the first man who makes me laugh. I have a very clear vision in my head (and on paper for that matter) of the type of man I am looking for. But I am done being bitter with love. I am not mad at love and I do not think it is a load of crap anymore. I am past those feelings and at the risk of sounding cliche, I am ready to let love in.
The second thing that I had already decided, but am now even more committed to is that I am going back to college. I hate admitting that I do not have a degree, but I do not. When I got married the agreement was that I would support my x through school and then when he was finished, I would go. Well now here I am, almost 28 and with no degree. So this fall I am going to start back. Just a few classes to start. School is another sort of scary thing, but I am also pretty damn excited. I actually think I will do better at this stage in my life than I would have when I was younger. I am a little bit more disciplined now.
So that's about it for now. This week is going to be a great one! My boss is out of town which means we all get to dress a little more casual and that seems to put everyone in a better mood!

Learn Live Hope

*Mr. Larsen: new somewhat code name for the guy I started dating (just dating). The "Mr." part is because he is 11 years older than me.


Courtney said...

You are awesome! I love alone weekends, even though I haven't had one in a long time (which I don't mind), but I completely understand. And you'll fall in love again - I'm glad that you are not afraid of it anymore! :)

Sarah said...

One of my favorite things about being single is the ability to stay home for Sarah time. Well that and sleeping around! I kid, I kid.