Thursday, November 13, 2008

Story Time: Attack of the Pickup Artist

It's time for another installment of Story Time. Gather around and get comfy, cause today is a good one.

Yesterday was a dreary day, all gray and rainy outside. Dreary days make me crave comfort food and the comfort food I had in mind for lunch was pasta. Unfortunately there is not a great selection of Italian places by my work, but I was determined that I would get my comfort carbs.

The first place I tried (Stoneground for my Utah readers) had absolutely NO parking so I left. The second place I went to (Al Fornos) had decided to close early because they were slow. Completely frustrated, but still determined I went to the one place I knew wouldn't fail me, The Old Spaghetti Factory. Obviously not my first choice, but at this point I would have eaten cardboard.

I get seated and a 20-something male waiter comes to greet me. He takes my order then comes back with my drink. Somewhere along the way he must have decided that he is feeling uber confident because when he returned he had transformed into Rico Suave.

Waiter: " come you're not married."

(Men always seem to know to look at your hand first thing before spewing their lines.)

Me: laughing politely "Um...well I was. I got divorced about 3 years ago."

Waiter: "What happened"

Me: staring at him dumbfounded "Do you always ask your customers if they are married or not or is today just my lucky day?"

He rambles a lame response then asks a few more personal questions, like if I was raised in Utah, what my blood type is and my gross monthly salary. Finally he leaves and comes back with my food.

Waiter: "Did you miss me."

Me: more laughing politely

A little while later, after checking how my food was about 3 times, I was done and it was time for the obligatory dessert offer.

Waiter: "So, can I interest you in some ice cream?"

Me: "No, I'll have to pass. Can I just get the check please?"

Waiter: "You have a great figure so I hope that's not why you are passing."

Me: "Um, no. Just in a bit of a hurry."

Waiter: "Anything I can do to make you stay longer?"

Me: "Sorry, gotta get back to work. Check please?"

Mr. Suave swaggers off and returns with the check. He slowly and deliberately reaches across the table to set it down in front of me. Looks me in the eyes with everything he's got, which to me was a I'm gonna play it cool like I know you want me but really I'm too chicken to just ask you out because I am scared to death you will reject me look.

Waiter: "Come back again, real soon."

Me: Throwing up in my mouth a little, giggling and plastering on my polite smile "I may just have to do that."

I wink cause I am mean like that. Sign my credit card receipt and wrote him a note that just said "thanks for making me smile". Which he did, every time I thought about him I laughed to myself. Silly man, he should have known that if he really wanted to impress me all he had to do was box me up some free dessert. Sweeten the deal, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Free dessert will trump cheesy pickup lines any day in my book.

Blogfully yours,


kel said...

Wait...those were pick-up lines?

Courtney and Jeff said...

Oh that is hilarious. I just read this to a couple girls here at work (sorry :( haha couldn't resist) and they all said that this was the best blog they've ever heard. So you are a star!! You should go back one day and then be like "who are you again?" Just to mess with him... Thanks for giving a laugh for the day!

Jenni said...

Thats funny!

C.S. Perry said...

I would've gone home with him.

But then...I'm easy.

Salt City Mistress said...

Wow, I love that! Great fodder for a blog and he never even knew it.